iT’$ mY l1F3

I wake up smiling. Don’t believe me? Yeah I know. With the smelly breathe and sticky mouth, it’s not easy to smile. But I really do.

There are down times. I go through them, often. When I feel like crying it all out, slaming everything around. I’m dangerous when I’m depressed. So what? Everyone else is. The variation lies on who turns into victim, myself or others.

But in the end, I’m still the losing end.

I see people with sleepy eyes and disappointed lip curves everyday. Ah, if only I can give them a face lift around the corner of their lips. What’s going on their minds? Does the train of thoughts have an end?

Look ahead, there’re lots of challenges before me. Watch out! I was so warned. Surely blind I am not. Look at the details. A lot of tears. A lot of heart breaks. A lot of shattered dreams. I leave the same lots of things behind too. I cried, I fell, I dropped down kissing the dirt. Losing all confidence. Taking all the blames. Feeling all the pain. I did feel small and when I see myself as such, I really turn into one.

One lifeless body of limps. That I once was.

So I throw away my old soul. Yes, I did. Adviced to leave the past behind. I did more than that. I detached myself from everything and living only the present. Easier said than done, classic comment. But see, I have all reasons to smile. Oh yeah, even right after I open my eyes from the beautiful dreamless sleep.

Tonnes of worries cluttering my brain. What can I do about it? I’m feeling the soft blanket caressing my arms, I’m happy. And the fan blowing my hair, I’m smiling. Ah, another day of my own making, what’s better than that? I welcome joy to my day.

Wake up, wake up. The warm shower is waiting to drip on my body, hydrating my limp cells to perfect bloom. Is that water drop lying on my lashes? Blink, blink. Hmmm… that rushes of warmth massaging my joints, so delicious. Rush, rush, time is moving fast. Tick, tock, tick, tock, oh what to wear today? Tough decision making process. So many choices, so little time. Faster, grab the bread, spread the jam. Where goes the shoes? And the keys? Aiyo, keys, keys, keys… hair, checked, access card, checked, glasses, checked, I’m late again.

tap, tap, tap. see right, see left, safe? cross! tap, tap, tap. Oh no! The ERP clock is showing minutes to my office hour. Run, run, run. No, no, green man please keep blinking. Hold here, must ta pau for lunch. Auntie, usual order!

Now power walk, it’s just a bit more. Look around, no police? Let’s jay-walk. With a “piip”, I set in to office, beaming head to toe.

Why sad, why mad? Moments are made up of all perfectly accomplished whirlwind of activities. I had all the ecstasy to dance my way through the day. I’m high on my adrenalin. Give me the tasks, but let me rush no more. Let’s have a good morning chat over a good glass of water. So what did you do after office yesterday?

Nice color on your fingers, and your hair looks great. Is that the new blouse I see on you? And wait, is that new shoes on ur feet? hey, wow, diamonds turns lovelier when put on your fingers. What, boss looking for me? Am I busy? Of course I’m not. What is it that I can do for you?

Am I ok? Yes, I’m ok. Perfectly ok. Don’t worry. I’ll remember to tighten that screw in my head. But come on, don’t you agree it’s a nice morning?

Why the face? U’ve just did a wonderful job with your life. That’s more than all you would ever need to be happy.

oh I can’t stop smiling.

how can i be grateful enough for this blessing.

life is so wonderful.

So I can see clearly the ending of my happy days. Crying? Done! Emotional suicide? Checked!

But hey!!! I’m supposed to STILL be living the remaining of the happy days.

Remind me of the Buddha’s teaching. Live in the now. The past is over and the future not yet come. How sweet it sounds to the ears but how impossible to apply in reality.

When I see joy slipping through my fingers, when the cute lil fairy with its fluffy wing and magic wand wins over the fiery devil in me, when I just have to let distance separate me from my love. Because it is the right thing to do. Because this is life, true with all its challenges and HIS tests.

Ask me, ask me how I’m feeling inside! And I’ll tell you that at one point, I pray for HIS guidance, the next moment I question HIS decision to make me walk down this path. Tomorrow I might buy the chain to keep you by my side. Tell me, tell me what is on your mind.

You said you understand but clearly you don’t. We are not going to talk about this later. The sun might not rise in my eyes tomorrow. Live now. Make your decision, tell me about it. Details, details, details. Time is running, never on our side. When? When? How long to then?

Face it. We are not living tomorrow. Might as well gulp down the entire bitter pills now. It could at least promise to let me see stars twinkling in the darkness.

I dread changes. I know they could be for better, but even so we’ll need to make more changes to accomodate for the changes that happen. That could be the reason why my GFs are annoyed w me for not seeking the better opportunities, the greener pasture. ‘Cuz I’m scared.

For the same reason, I stayed true to my status quo. Convincing myself that it is wrong to expect and demand for more when I am so much luckier than the world at large. Somehow, I am cheated by myself into believing that the status quo gave me happiness. That is until I realize that as much as I can behave myself and control my minds to NOT to change, I cannot not expect others to do the same.

The world evolve with or without me being part of its evolution. People change - in attitude, in mindset, in life. I shut my eyes to avoid seeing the changes in others and in doing so I somehow managed to retain the pseudo happiness that I "think" I have obtained. I lock myself up from the society by sticking my daily life to my jobs and my room.

Then when I move out from that comfort zone to be with the person I thought I know so well, the reality is hard to deny. I open my eyes to see my "make believe" world that I believe in once crumbled around me. It feels like I’m being stripped - not just the clothes but my skin too. It even gives literal pain in the heart - Thank God no pain in the ass (though now I think that person who shake me up from my dream is one pain in my ass).

Now unprotected by dreams and faith that happiness is a possibility, the earth I step on seems shaky. Just like the water in the wide ocean where the ships move and the wind blows. The water wants to remain calm but the externalities make that "calm" an impossible.

When happiness seems so far away from me, I will learn to train my balance to stand straight on this shaky ground. I will fall down that’s for sure. I may not be able to stand straight ever. But I now know that happiness that is created amongst the chaos is more real that the one in calm time. So I will treasure every little taste of happiness that I can get and at the same time, opening myself to the changes. Be it good, be it bad, there is always a good lesson to learn from it. Mathematically speaking, both good and bad changes are GOOD lesson.

It’s never easy to deal with natural disaster. Unpredictable, it hit hard and causes a great deal of loss. It’s amazing how Myanmar was utterly destroyed by the typhoon on the very day when everybody in Singapore was complaining about the hot day. The news reported the number of lives lost in the Myanmar disaster followed by the casualities from the heat wave in India.

Barely a week has passed. Myanmar militer junta hasn’t even approved much of the donation to flow into the country. And my landlady is still stubbornly convinced that Myanmar ("Mian Dian") is the place where I come from…

Few years ago when I was still clad in the white grey uniform, a group of talented students from Chengdu visited my city. In return, we sent some of ours to their city. It was part of the sister city program. Proudly, Medan and Chengdu pledge to improve their relationship in all aspect. Little has been heard of the "sisterhood" since that day. Til today when I heard the news…

What a reminiscene of the 2004 tsunami that hit Aceh and the damages were felt all the way to Medan. The sudden quake, the high scale of 7-8 ritcher. The distance the tremor was felt.

Chengdu, the provincial capital of Sichuan, has the largest panda reserve in China, and a huge gas deposit.

One earthquake, and at least 107 lives of the new generation is lost, along with a natural habitat supporting lives of innumerable flora and fauna. One typhoon and one earthquake, and the door of humanity is knocked hard. Today, let’s all be the helping hands. In our self-proclaimed poverty and daily incessant complaints, why not enrich our souls with a small sacrifice-even if it’s just a soft prayer whisper, which will go a long way to… who knows, saving a live?

Phew… the fashion craze is now over w/ the ending of the Singapore Fashion Festival. Now in the midst of the World Gourmet Summit. Singapore, the place where "happenings" never end.

Ironically, the gourmet summit is seasoned w/ the rice crisis in Spore. Inflation has reached the figure of 6, everybody is worrying that Thailand will cut down their export on rice. SGX is certainly not in its blooming season. Neither is the figure on my payroll getting any prettier.

Being the confident country, Singapore government has, despite everything, declared that it’s welcoming foreigners-a lot of them, for the next few years. To me, the news means:

1. Get ready to spend more on rental,

2. Time to eat less rice, and stock up more instant noodles so I can avoid the long queue at the cheap "chai fan" stall,

3. Shop now for the best job, secure it, and be good girl to offer loyalty in return of stable payroll,

4. Buy that sport shoes, go for the run cuz competition is definitely heating up and I cannot afford to fight w/ weak body,

5. Time to apply for "SPR", pay up "CPF", pray that I live to 65.

But life here is not always gloomy… Free daily newspapers are increasing their distributions, Esplanade still maintain its monthly free show "Beautiful Sunday", Singaporeans getting money from govt’ (hmm… not bad eh?), Singapore Art Festival is coming soon in May (free opening show), Local mobile service providers joining up to offer higher mobile portability, More money pumped into biotech industry to creat more jobs (sob…sob… biotech?!). Hmm… And Mr Selamat is still out there…